Hardball Heaven

Hey, everyone else is doing it... here are some picks for today's NFL games. All predictions are against the straight line. Use this astute analysis, dissection, and wisdom at your own risk. I have absolutely, positively no clue what I'm talking about and neither do you. That's why they got those big, majestic buildings out there in Vegas.

Atlanta (+10) @ Jacksonville: Who cares? The Jaguars were one of those teams this week whining about the Patriots, and I can't stand that ingrate Jack Del Rio, so let's go with the Falcons to cover. That's a pick based on sound research, eh?

Pittsburgh (-10) @ Buffalo: Tough one here. The Steelers seem to have regained their mojo this year, which seems to strangely coincide with the fact that Ben Roethlisberger didn't fall off any motorsickles in the offseason. They will be one of the contendahs in the AFC. On the other hand, emotion is a dangerous thing in pro football, and the Bills will be looking to win one for Kevin Everett, the tight end who suffered a severe spinal cord injury last week. I'll take the Bills to at least cover.

Cincinnati (-7) @ Cleveland: Boy, tough week all around for Bill Belichick and his former lead assistants. Belichick's reputation took a big hit, Charlie Weis' Irish are 0-3 (!) in the college football ranks, and Romeo Crennel and the Browns are circling the drain - and it's only Week 2. Shouldn't be long before we see Brady Quinn. The Bengals, meanwhile, are a solid football team on both sides of the ball. They will win decisively.

Green Bay (+2.5) @ NY Giants: Will he or won't he? The story all week has been whether Eli Manning would play, and really, if you're the Packers defense, don't you want him to suit up? The Packers, in my humble opinion, are better than most people think, and the Giants will suffer from not having lead running back/bowling ball Brandon Jacobs in the lineup. Packers are the pick. 1 pm, TV: Ch. 25

Houston (+6.5) @ Carolina: Defensive line afficianados will love the Julius Peppers/Mario Williams matchup today in Charlotte. The Texans are 1-0 after beating the sorry-ass Chiefs last night, and I like the move they made in the offseason to replace David Carr with Matt Schaub. Carolina surprised with a relatively easy win over St. Louis last week, but just for kicks I'll go with Houston and the points.

Indianapolis (-7) @ Tennessee: The Colts haven't played football since last Thursday when they trounced the Saints in the league opener. The extra layoff won't hurt. Can't we just do the rematch of last year's AFC Championship game between the Colts and Pats now? Colts are victorious with room to spare. 1 pm, TV: Ch. 4

New Orleans (-3.5) @ Tampa Bay: There's no way Drew Brees, Reggie Bush, et al, are as bad as they looked against Indy. Many "experts" had the Saints pegged as the NFC rep in Arizona in February. Today's the day we see the real Saints.

San Francisco (+3) @ St. Louis: With the Pats losing a draft pick due to SpyGate, it's time to root for San Fran to lose every single week. We have their first-round pick in 2008. Good running back matchup here with Frank Gore vs. Steven Jackson. The Rams lost a tough one on the road to Carolina last week but should bounce back here.

Dallas (-3.5) @ Miami: Ah, the long-awaited rematch of the 1972 Super Bowl. Hard to figure out what kind of team Dallas is. Their offense put up 45 points last week, but their defense let up 35 to an undermanned Giants team. What I do know is that the Dolphins royally suck. Go with Dallas.

Minnesota (+3) @ Detroit: The rookie bowl. Adrian Peterson vs. Calvin Johnson. The Lions may be among the most improved teams this year, with offensive guru Mike Martz calling the shots, underrated Jon Kitna at the controls, and the gifted young Johnson looking to make an impact in his first season. Okay, quiz time now - quick, name the Vikings quarterback. Exactly. I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm going with the Lions to cover the 3.

Seattle (-2.5) @ Arizona: If both offenses play like they did last week, go with the under. That Arizona-SF Monday night game was brutal to watch, and the Seahawks slogged their way to a win over Tampa Bay. Look for the Seahawks to play better this week on the road.

Kansas City (+12) @ Chicago: So I got HBO this week and I started watching "Hard Knocks" - the cool series that goes inside a team's training camp. This year's subject is Herm Edwards and the Chiefs, and you know your team is in trouble when the highlight is one of your players flashing his dance moves in the locker room. Can you imagine BB giving this type of access to anyone? The Bears, on the other hand, are angry after last week's bruising defeat to the Chargers and despite the fact that they still employ Rex Grossman, will not start this season 0-2. Will they cover? Why, I do believe they will. If a dance competition all of a sudden breaks out, though, all bets are off.

NY Jets (+10) @ Baltimore: I never bought into the whole Patriots-Jets rivalry. Like the Red Sox-Yankees - at least before 2004 - the argument was 'where's the rivalry? The Yankees win all the time.' Same with the Patriots-Jets. The Jets certainly don't win all the time, and their organization is made up of a bunch of turncoats. I have a new reason to hate another New York team. Emotions aside, the key question today is whether Steve McNair or Kyle Boller is calling the signals for the Ravens. Baltimore dropped a tough one to the Bengals last week, and Ray Lewis and the boys will be out for some blood. Always a good time. Ravens are the pick. 4:15 pm, TV: Ch. 4

Oakland (+10) @ Denver: The good news for the Raiders: they finally inked JaMarcus Russell to a long-term deal. The bad news: he's gained 20 pounds and doesn't know the playbook. Just kidding. Don't know how long the Daunte Culpepper experiment will last, but Denver ain't losing this one at home to a vastly inferior opponent.

San Diego (+3.5) @ New England: The marquee matchup of the day by a long shot. The spying episode took the focus off football around here this week - at least from a media coverage perspective - but if there's one thing we've come to know and love, it's the singular focus the players and coaches take to their jobs. The pre-game show on ESPN seemingly spent half the program talking about the Pats, so it will be interesting to see how much the pre-game show tonight on NBC is dominated by SpyGate. I read some quotes from John Madden this week where he alluded to the fact that all teams engage in some form of spying, and he thinks everyone needs to realize that we're going to be watching two tremendous football teams here. Let's see if NBC follows that script - something tells me they won't. I think Gillette is rocking tonight, and the Patriots are out to show the world that video camera or no video camera, we've got some serious-ass talent in Tom Brady, Randy Moss, Laurence Maroney, and Adalius Thomas. Call me a homer (HOMER!) but I'm predicting a 10-point Patriots victory. Huge game, by the way, for AFC playoff seedings later in the year. 8:15 pm, TV: Ch. 7

Washington (+7) @ Philly: Let me be short and to the point here. Philly. MNF, 8:00 pm, TV: ESPN