Hardball Heaven

It's hard to remember a postseason that's been as one-sided as this one. Both the Diamondbacks and the Rockies completed three-game sweeps last night in their series, and the Red Sox and Indians can do the same today. In the NL, the Phillies never really had a chance against a red-hot Rockies team, and Cubs fans will spend their offseason asking 'what if Lou had kept Zambrano in?' The D-Backs-Rockies series should be some pretty good baseball.

Today it's all about the AL. The Red Sox are in Anaheim for Game 3 against the Angels, with Curt Schilling - on 11 days rest - going against Jered Spicoli Weaver. The Yankees are back home today, and hoping the locusts - or whatever the hell those things were - didn't migrate east. Roger Clemens gets the ball for the Yanks, Jake Westbrook for the Indians.

With the Patriots playing at 1 and the Sox on at 3, it could be a memorable sports day. If all goes according to plan, here's what will transpire:

1:15 p.m. - Tom Brady connects with Randall Moss for an 82-yard touchdown. Pats 7, Browns 0. It's going to be a long day for Romeo and the boys.

2:30 p.m. - The Patriots head to the locker room at halftime leading this one comfortably, 27-7. Brady has thrown for 200 yards, Moss has 2 TDs, and Asante Samuel has returned a pick for another TD. Can't wait for the Sox game to get here.

3:17 p.m. - Kevin Youkilis starts this one off the way he started it back home in Game 1. Home run to left-center off Spicoli, who's wishing he was surfing the halfpipe somewhere - or maybe smoking it.

3:45 p.m. - Postseason Curt is at it again. He sets down the side in the first inning, with two K's.

4:00 p.m. - Pats rookie QB Matt Gutierrez takes a knee as time expires in Foxborough. Pats win this one rather easily, and amazingly score 38 points yet again in the process. Stats Inc. says it's the first time in history that a team has scored 38 points this many times. Final: 38-14. Oh, and another 38 - this one out in Anaheim - is mowing them down. A good omen. Play your numbers tonight.

4:41 p.m. - Mike Lowell hits a double to the gap in left-center, scoring Youk and Ortiz and giving the Sox a 5-2 lead in the fifth.

6:38 p.m. - It's over in Anaheim, and the brooms are out yet again. Sox win 7-3 behind their pair of Mr. Octobers - Schilling and Ortiz. They're headed to the ALCS to face either the Indians or Yankees. Let's see what's happening in New York.

6:44 p.m. - A man named Pronk takes the Rocket deep, giving the Indians a 3-0 lead in the top of the first. The boos are raining down on Roger. Suzyn Waldman is broken-hearted.

7:55 p.m. - Karl Malden lookalike Joe Torre ambles to the mound to relieve Roger Clemens of any further embarrasment. The Indians have teed off on the Rocket, and have an 8-2 lead over the Bombers in the fourth. Not a good day for New Yorkers, and really not a good series of events over the last few weeks. Between Weasel Boy Mangini, Isiah's escapades, and of course, the stunning collapse of the Mets, the misery continues. And I couldn't be more delighted.

9:38 p.m. - The broom has it. Four division series matchups, four sweeps. Derek Jeter and friends are making tee times for tomorrow because they ain't got nothing else to do. The Indians win it 13-4. Thaaaaaaaaahhhhhh Yankeeeees loooose...

Oh, and notice above that the Sox won their game at 6:38 and the Yanks lost theirs at 9:38. A good omen, indeed. I'm going to listen to some .38 Special just to make sure.